bj's gay porno-crazed ramblings

Saturday, June 30, 2001
mother may i sleep with danger

So, another Saturday nite (and please don't hum that Cat Stevens song!), and while i am definately NOT a Tori Spelling fan, i am semi-addicted to Lifetime made-for-tv female-in-danger movies. Pizza (the Larry Tate - spinach, ricotta, tomato) , a beer ( Rolling Rock) not open yet) and some psycho falling in love with Tori Spelling after bashing to death his last girlfriend, who needs Bars, Boyfriends, or Backrooms???

If they didn't keep playing that music, you'd never know the guy was a psycho! (Well, I guess seeing him beat to death the first girlfriend with a cutting board might clue you in.) Well, i see its raining, and i hate riding the bike in the rain, so I dont feel so bad about being a boring shut-in on a saturday night (although sniffing some dead cow carcasses in the back area of The Lure does have some appeal). Time to open the beer.



reasons to be cheerful


  • cockring broke, but not due to any actual ACTIVITY
  • run into X after 2 years, he doesnt know why i'm still angry
  • hungover and out of artificial energy



  • Friday, June 29, 2001
    deep thoughts

    not today,
    maybe go out and take pics




    to do list


    1. make to do list





    Thursday, June 28, 2001
    INTERRUPTING ALL PROGRAMMES

    dreaming
    rock n roll nigger
    this is radio clash
    monkey man
    one step beyond
    mirror in the bathroom
    hanging on the telephone
    crimson and clover


    Baby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.

    so, he smiles back, and I lean over and say "c'mon, lets do it right here, right now - its pattifuckinsmith! LET'S FUCK!!" He laughs, pets my head, and I thought maybe I was gonna get some. After all, only a few days earlier, he was slobbering on my balls... but, alas, just as I paid for my beer and Mr Strummer screams THIS IS RADIO CLASH FROM PIRATE SATELLITE he's gone.


    I wake up. I am lying peacefully I am lying peacefully and my knees are open to the sun. I desire him, and he is absolutely ready to seize me. In heart I am a Moslem; in heart I am an American; in heart I am Moslem, in heart I'm an American artist, and I have no guilt. I seek pleasure. I seek the nerves under your skin. The narrow archway; the layers; the scroll of ancient lettuce. We worship the flaw, the belly, the belly, the mole on the belly of an exquisite whore. He spared the child and spoiled the rod. I have not sold myself to God.






    Wednesday, June 27, 2001
    hot fun in the summertime



    it's not all about sex.

    I can hear them from my window, almost every day these past 2 weeks; so I watched, snapped a few. Naw, didn't go in, not with these glasses!




    take your stinking hands off me you damned dirty ape (gay pride, finale)



    2 am (ish) very hot, very sweaty. I soon realized the usefulness of these cargo shorts - bottle of water in right pocket, steamed-up useless eyeglasses in left pocket. the first guy, short, slim, naturally smooth, was okay for awhile, but he wasn't oral, just yanking it thru my jock, and soon enuf he says into my ear "let's find a 3rd" - which isn't bad in and of itself, but its not like you could move around much, and besides, he wasn't using his mouth, and didn't seem particularly appreciative of mine, so I didnt't answer, and we soon parted.

    soon enough, another. We've slurped at each other before, and don't always when we bump into each other back here, but he was clearly interested, yanking mine out of my shorts real fast. My mouth was slurping up the sweat on the back of his neck as he tried to cram my balls into his goateed face. i reached into his shirt, and felt his familiar hairy torso, drenched, warm, delicious. he came up for air, but only briefly before slobbering all over my mouth, allowing me to taste my own sweaty balls. but i wanted his thick uncut, and managed to position myself fairly safely down there amongst this smothering crowd. actually more air down there, not that i got a chance to breath much. i could see him grabbing another guy as he pressed my head down tighter on him, thrusting in forcefully. my own slobbering spit falling off him and onto my chest, i came up for more mouth. but he went down on this other guy, who grabbed my head and began kissing me hard. real hard.

    damn. i like this one, forceful, tasty mouth. and what's this, a sweaty furry stomach? yum. let me cool that off for ya, bud. these balls ain't too bad, either. even before i could think "your turn" he's crouched down, taking it all in. good boy; very good boy! naw, dont worry, we didnt forget our friend, I lean over and take some more of him, then our new friend, alternating my mouth on each, as they mouth-slobber each other. And who's this new guy, down here with me, trying to take some away from me? oooh, nice face, lets see what else he.....ahhhh, when it rains it pours, MORE FUR! hot summer sweaty dark sloppy salty furry .....and such a nice mouth, too. these 2 seem to know each other, but don't actually touch (each other) much.... fortunately, to the benefit of me and my sometime pal. who once again is demanding my mouth on him. and pushing my head down on the other boys, as well.

    if only i could take these 3 love-apes home with me

    forever



    Tuesday, June 26, 2001



    gay pride, part 4


    8pm This other guy was real real hairy, real young (25?? ouch!), balding, fuzzy goatee. But still, I shouldn't hold his age against him, since there's so much more I'd rather hold against him! I got his number, who knows, could be fun - sweaty fuzzballhotsummersex....

    9 pm Bump into the "boys" again, do a bit of roaming around, finally we head off for dinner at some meatpackingfrenchdiner place. After that, we wait around for the fireworks. Danceonthepier is going strong across the street, lots of boys gathering on this side of the West Side Hwy, it seems to take forever, but then, a technoversion of Somewhere Over the Rainbow kicks off the display - and one of the cops is the first to do the loud OOOOOOOOHHHHH, as we all join in to add the AHHHHHH. Very fun, nice ending for a long day out of the house, but on the way home, the Lure. It doesn't take much to convince the guys to come in for a drink, despite them having jobs that require them to be up in the morning. Looks like every other guy leaving the fireworks is going inside - yeah!
    11 pm Slurping on my first (and only)beer of the day, I find myself captivated by this couple - slave/master or more like master/pup. The one on the ground, between those denim legs, is looking up longingly at his "master" - beautiful man! Actually, they are both really handsome, I could see myself playing the role of either, or probably better yet, just watching, they look so good. At one point, the PUP looks over at me; fuck!!! those eyes!! Yeah, its been a few years since i've gotten the intense eye-thing. Very disarming, very hypnotic, very "WHYCANTIHAVETHAT!!!??" My pals leave, I find another friend I havent seen in awhile, and we hang out, exchanging stories until he, of course, must deal with his morning job.... so we walk out together. I hop in a cab that takes me back to the east side, home, where I haven't been in 10 hours; which must be a record for me, hermit that I am. So, its still GayPride, and i need to SWEAT, so I hop in the shower, roll a joint, and head out, again, on foot.....




    gay pride, part 3


    4:30ish street is narrower, crowd is louder, bigger. And a helluvalotta cheering. I'm somewhere behind the Cindi Lauper float, but can't tell who I'm marching with. So, I go look at the banner - it's a HIGH SCHOOL! geez, I knew they all looked younger than me, but...

    6:00 they sure sell alotta sausage at this thing. Oooooh, a free GAYDOTCOM key ring! OOOOh, Metrosource! (does this "mag" come out only on gay pride???) Hmmmm, as much fun as I'm having getting tossled by this hungry crowd, the stench of burning pigflesh is really starting to get to me, so I head towards the river. Ahhh, they are still renovating the piers, and south of Christopher is still mostly young kids of colour, and north of Christopher, with the nice mini-lawns, lots of people with very little color, lying out trying to get some.

    7:00 goddamn!!! I can't stop looking at that guys mustache! My GOD! My hairy ass would fit perfectly on that thing! Not to mention how well he could scratch this itch I have right now! Why am I so shy, we are both quite clearly cruising each other, and yet both of us are frozen, leaning against piss-covered walls across the street from each other between the backdoors of The Dugout, and Sneakers. It has GOT to be the thickest, bushiest, longest mustache I have ever seen in real life (maybe Yosemite Sam has a bigger one), and if he has a Brooklyn or Bronx accent (like I could ever tell the difference!) I am his FOR LIFE! Meanwhile, a pal comes over, one of the few men I know who can actually look good in a white mesh shirt. But before long, some guy comes over, directly to Anthony, and says "Can I play with them???" He nods, "nawww", and the guy keeps going. I'm thinking, "what am I, chopped liver? Does it look like we're not "together"? What makes him think I wasn't about to chow down on those hairy nipples? SHHHEEEEEESHHH! Then, another guy, who at least nods acknowledgement in my direction before sticking something long and wet in Anthony's ear. And FUCK! A Loud-Talker!! "HO, MAN, HAVENT SEEN YOU IN A LONG TIME" he bellows for the whole block to hear "IS YOUR ASS STILL AS SWEET AS LAST TIME I SAW YOU" etc etc..... so those 2 boys talk about pissing and waxing and cigars and all sorts of MANLY stuff, and I just enjoy the rest of the scenery - lots of hairy guys back here, very very nice. Remind me to come back to this alley again....



    Monday, June 25, 2001
    commerical interruption

    it's official - LIVE! NUDE! BLOGGING! this cool guy, Mermaniac, is doing the 24-Hour BLOGATHON nekkid. check him out, support him, or give $ to other worthy blogathoners (but I don't think anyone else will be naked)



    gay pride, part 2

    noon(ish) coffee, brewing. computer, warming up. head, kinda lite.

    so yeah, it had to be Pet Shop Boys. fer me, gay pride anthems really do have to be by queers. YUP, Sylvester is my standard gay-pride-week annoy-the-neighbors music, plus maybe Pete Sheely's HOMOSAPIEN, and well, I admit it, all day long I wanted to hear the Weather Girl's It's Raining Men (hey, I think these 2 fag hags are queerer than I could ever hope to be!) - and I did, finally at 3am hear some sorta techno version, not what I hoped for, but covered in other men's sweat, trying to find my pants, it was fine - anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Did the petshopboys blogw/picsof pals thing, phone rings, - how can u start gay pride day off without having BRUNCH with a few fellow fags....food was good, the boys invited me to go with them, but, alas, this is definately a day for this solo boy to be SOLO...

    3 pm after hitting several stores in search of Lithium (batteries, that is) I get to 5th Ave, can't get close enough, too crowded, so I just go around several barracades, walk into the street, and Officer Friendly attempts to help me back onto the sidewalk - thinking quickly, I tell him I'm with the Yale contingent (yeah, right!), and he turns to the Parade, and says: "well, you better hurray!" and lets me pass. Soon enough, I am with some loud obnoxious float, with 18 hairless boy-men, 2 clipped men, and some QUEEN trying to look and sound like Cyndi Lauper (believe me, I was not the only one ASS-uming it wasn't her - I must've been asked 10 times, and yes, it was her!). fine, I'm on 5th ave, disco-blasting, people waving and shouting, what more could I want?

    4 pm it hit me just as we were crossing 7th ave. Cindi Lauper trying to keep that huge red hat on her head (while some thin-hipped hairless boy supported her at the hips) singing something with a huge bass drum effect; and this 70+ year old black woman all dressed in white, including a white newspaperboy hat, a cane, and colorful beads, dancing alone in the middle of it all; thousands of
    sponge-worthy men; people dancing on their balconies (for you out-of-towners, that's pronounced: FIRE ESCAPE), on-duty cops laughing and moving their hips just a bit..... . YUP, I usually DO hate the stereotype - "You people sure give good parties" - but yeah, that it was its about. Simple. we want to do what we want. whatever that is, and no one should say its wrong, or bad, or illegal. Dancing Fucking Working Babyraising Shopping Cocksucking. Whatever. "we're here, we're queer"... you know the rest...





    gay pride, part 1

    1am Sat nite I looked thru my box of photos for some pics of friends who aren't around anymore. While there are more, I stopped when i got 4, scanned, cropped, then I was stuck as to what to say. Just seemed too personal (funny, i'm sure later I'll be discussing cocks in my mouth, mouths on my cock, but there's personal, and there's PERSONAL). I figured I'd go for the song-quote-thing, and let it sit til later.

    2am showered, played some more queer, disco, whatever songs to get me pumped up for going out at this hour. Funny, bikeless, it's really scarey out there at 2:30 in the morning, especially when you are the only sober person around. And str8 people act SOOOO funny drunk, looking for their cars, their dates, their sense of fashion....so, made it up to 13th st, and just after getting a SUPERSIZE cheap draft beer, found 2 pals.

    4am 2 beers later, some weed, I am walking down ave A with 2 veggie tacos in a bag, one in my face. Gosh, its easier eating them walking than it is while riding the ol' bike. But, alas, all 3 are gone before I even turn left from A onto 6th st. Gee, look at all these BOYS hanging out in front of Wonder Bar - oooh, he's cute, nice.... oh, Dyke, figures..... Haagen Daz didnt stay in the freezer long, and are they showing that same Planet of the Apes thing on AMC again....

    7am sun hitting my face, I wake up long enough to get off the couch, turn the tv off, head to the bedroom (anyone in here? phewww, all to myself, what a fuckin' relief!)





    Sunday, June 24, 2001
    happy gay pride, fellas


    Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should
    Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could
    Little things I should've said and done, I never took the time
    You were always on my mind
    You were always on my mind

    Maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times
    And I guess I never told you, I'm so happy that you're mine
    If I made you feel second best, I'm so sorry, I was blind
    You were always on my mind
    You were always on my mind

    Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died




    Saturday, June 23, 2001
    Boogie Man

    "did you hear that John Lee Hoooker died?"
    "yeah, a few days ago, right?"
    "yeah. I'm really upset about it"
    short woman, a stranger, wearing a red baseball cap with the rim torn (or chewed) off, stopped me on the corner of 2nd ave and St Marks to tell me this. then, as we crossed the street together.....
    "but you know what? We share the same birthday" and she grins widely, and turns south on 2nd ave.....






    a year ago, he won the auction "HAIRY GUY DROPS THE SOAP" He didn't know he was buying soap, he thought he was getting pictures. Well, I didn't send the bar of soap from the pics, but I did send several pics from the series of me experimenting in my bathroom, the first of dozens (if not hundreds) of shots of me acting silly with various bits of clothing draped on my wet body. He had asked several times before, and we planned it twice before, but always the day before, he'd cancel, due to rain. Funny how its storming like crazy today, and today, he doesn't cancel. We meet at Manatus, in the West Village, and I can't believe I am up and awake, and outside my own home, before 11 am! He arrives a few minutes late, says something really nice about me "looking even better in person" Nice guy, we talk about this and that, and he asks about me selling stuff online. I tell him a somewhat abbreviated version of the stalker story, and he is horrified, but laughs at the funny moments as I am trying to see the humor in it all, and telling it to another person I meet thru selling on eBay makes it even funnier to me. I am relaxed, and glad he got me out of the house, and got me to not let one bad (horrible) experience prevent me from being open to a simple breakfast with a nice guy. He was one of my "firsts" - early in 2000, my first few naughty auctions on eBay, and he encouraged me to keep it fun, and bought several things over the following months. I get home, no new message from stalker (yet) today. I had this whole long "blog" ready, with his name, where he works, AOL profiles, how this whole "stalker" thing started, 3 long weeks of stupid phone calls and emails...... ugh....


    i guess it just take all kinds of Boogie Men

    (note to self: don't let the a-holes turn you into one)




    Francesca or Panchesco



    help me, help me

    ever feel like you're trapped in your hopeless, pointless life; and the only solution is to have some big, giant rock come crashing down, squishing your whole body, and putting you out of your miserable pain?


    went to Folsom St East last sunday. I tried my best; enoying the variety of guys, young old hairy smooth, some in "gear", some, like me, in just a comfortable t-shirt and shorts, boots. There were a lot of cool, regular joes there - guys who just wanted to feel a little sexy, take in the other sexy guys. A couple of porno stars, Corey Jay, Donnie Rusoo, and others who's faces I couldn't quite place. And there were a lot who I had been with, over the past 18 years of living in this city. I didn't try to count how many, or figure out their names. Backroom, park, porn theatre, their place, your place, your boyfriend's place, wherever. Most were the type you only sometimes acknowledge - that silent, barely noticeable nod. The "yes we did it, no we're not doing it again" nod. This was the first year without beer. Mayor Nofun banned alcohol at street fairs this year, and I suppose it was just as well. I had just rode my bike across town, parked/locked it up just around the corner from the street fair. Was still sorta stunned, seeing my most recent ex, the one I hadn't seen or talked to since he broke it off, 2 years ago. The one I was sure was "it". With his furry shoulders, and sweaty balls, and eyes that twitched, and he snored, and he held me very close, very tight when we got into bed. His left armed wrapped around, bringing my head close and firm onto his fuzzy chest.

    i didn't stop. he waved, called out my name. I think i smiled, or nodded. I didn't slow down, I didn't speed up, i didn't look back. I needed the moment to be as brief, and inconsequential, as possible. Few of my friends had ever met him, and I met few of his friends. No witnesses to the whole thing. And when he said it was over, and gave no particular reason, and I made him take all his stuff, it didn't mean anything to anyone but me. Even though it was 1-1/2 years, when it ended, no one noticed him not around anymore, no one stopped seeing us out together. It just stopped, there was no reason, it never happened, and it's all I ever think about........

    please, Mr Price, help me, help me




    Friday, June 22, 2001
    i wanna be your dog
    chinese rock
    judy is a brat
    i wanna be sedated
    dreaming (do i smell weed?)
    money (thats what i want) (is that guy dancing with me?)(wait, i'm not dancing)
    thank you for the beer. gosh, am I making out with Jesus? this is ok.
    uh oh. getting a bit dizzy here; stop, you're cutting off my oxygen, Jesus.
    yeah, thats it, let me breath, you go over there and dance.
    yes, you kiss well, but I can't breath, and now I feel dizzy again, oh no!
    please stop! don't. don't do it!
    oh geez!
    you're dancing to Girls On Film!
    i need some air.........



    Thursday, June 21, 2001
    In a world of men and boys
    There is only one...
    Daddy Dearest

    yup, just got in this video I've been anxiously awaiting - plus, another by Bressan: Juice (about a photographer who's nude pics are too "arty" for his publisher, and he must get some new HOT ones before the deadline!)




    Gosh, I don't think I can handle much more of this non-stop partying! This apartment looks like a pig sty everymorning, with the Haagen Daz cartons, empty bags of chips, and what the HELL did I make in that microwave at 3am?

    And what is the socially appropriate thing to do when you haven't seen someone in like 2 years, someone you used to hang out with all the time, but haven't seen or talked to in 2 years, and you know you really should say hey, and there he is, 3 feet away from you, 2 a.m., his hands in his own pants while his face is unzipping some guy's trousers?

    Wanna see some HOT GAY SEX? I think I see Aiden Shaw and Donnie Russo in there, but the music is too funny!



    ever buy cheap french butter cookies,
    and after wrestling with the package for
    12 minutes
    when you finally open it,
    you realize they weren't worth
    the 33 cents



    Senior Sluts and Naughty Teens



    Wednesday, June 20, 2001
    Check out chatroom if you are a fellow addict.

    Anyone who has Divine's I'm So Beautiful on his Fantastic Top anthemic PRIDE spins list is A-OK with me! (but I'm not gonna be the one to tell him its "Do Ya Wanna Funk With Me")



    catfish tacos
    only one bad thing about buying 3 catfish tacos on yer way home for a night out drinking. After peddling home the 6 additional blocks, only 1 taco is left!
    stalker
    i was so relieved to see NO messages from him since yesterday morning, until I realized the phone's been unplugged for about 20 hours!



    why am i single?
    Badboy8nyc [10:07 PM]: u top
    Bjland [10:07 PM]: hello to u too
    Badboy8nyc [10:08 PM]: how are u
    Badboy8nyc [10:08 PM]: what are u into
    Bjland [10:09 PM]: sexwise, oral, and i'm lower east side
    Badboy8nyc [10:11 PM]: do u like t ofuc kraw
    Bjland [10:13 PM]: oralsex
    Bjland [10:13 PM]: sorry, ora lsex



    Tuesday, June 19, 2001

    Bush vs.Clinton




    this morning's stalker message: "Morning, Sunshine!" - creepy, eh?

    Bjork's Hidden Place videoclip - (scroll down the link's page and click "here"

    just got a classic, psychedelic 1972 porn vid Falconhead that I hope to watch later.
    Also waiting for 2 more classics from my wish list Daddy Dearest and Juice, both from director Arthur J. Bressan - buying them from a nice guy on eBay.



    I know I've been tolerant til now
    But here comes a warning
    There's a very clear line that I am drawing
    And if you cross it

    Sod Off
    Sod Off

    If you think I'll let you pull me down to
    Your 3rd class communication
    You bulldozed over all my sensitivites
    You read me all wrong Sod Off
    Sod Off
    Sod Off
    Sod Off


    (note to self: stalk the stalker)




    Monday, June 18, 2001
    I take just two hits, then put it out. Look around, too dark to see, but the guy near me seems to be looking my way. Can't really see him, similar build to mine, a vest, i think. He rests his hand on my thigh, then a slight massage. I know I should do something back, I hate guys that don't "reciprocate". So my hand goes on top of his, gently entwining with his fingers, and he continues massaging. I put my hand on his chest, prominent nipples, one pierced, both chewable. I reach down, he's already unzipped. I reach in, he's a big boy. A big boy with big balls. Big shaved balls. What a shame. Still, he's real meaty, and i'm real hungry. slurp slurp slurp. Soon i'm on my knees, old beer bottles on the floor jabbing at me, legs behind me pushing past me. Soon he's standing, thrusting into my face, holding my head tight. Slurp slurp, pulling on his aforementioned nipples. Then he goes on his knees, pulls my shorts, my jock down, grabs my balls and cock with one hand, slurps at me while his other hand goes under me, gently. Pulling, slurping, poking, pulling, slurpng, poking. We do this for awhile, the air gets thicker, hotter, sweatier. Some guy sits half on me, I move over, he moves back on me, I move again, he grabs me. I pull up my jock, my shorts. I whisper to my nippleboy: "i'm getting some air, some beer". He pulls his clothes back on, I walk out, he follows. I go to the bar. At this point, I am done. I mean, I want more beer, I want more smoke, I want more loud music. I might even want more backrom. But I make the fatal mistake, I ask what he's drinking. Its not that I don't like him, but I'm not going home with him.

    I got what I needed, i was desired




    LIVE! NUDE! BLOGGING!
    I haven't quite convinced MERMANIAC to do his 24-hour charity blogathon in the nude quite yet! Check him out, sponsor him! Hey, while he may be a musical theatre freak (some of my best friends are!) he has not only pledged to do the BLOGATHON with NO musical theatre references, but he also includes subliminal Ramones messages on his blog page! What could be cooler??? So tell him you want it NUDE!

    and as a show of support, i promise to read his BLOGATHON in the NUDE!




    that's MISTER John to you!

    decided the jockstrap and neck-wrist restraint wasn't enough, so added this to my outfit for Folsom Street East yesterday.




    Sunday, June 17, 2001
    the world's greatest

    He should have been 68 last month. When i was a kid, he'd take me to church, then to breakfast (he always ate breakfast out, preferably a "greasey spoon") then I'd either clean his office, or we'd go to some site he was doing blueprints for (he'd always say something like "someday, my prints will come'). He took me to see all the Planet of the Apes movies, and Soylent Green, and my first R-rated movie, Sisters, promising Mom he'd shield my eyes from the naughty stuff (which he tried for all of 5 seconds, so I did get to see her boobs and lots of knives and blood, which may explain why I can never cut meat, or have any sort of physical attraction to women - just a theory). We saw all the 70's vampire movies together, and always got lots of popcorn and snacks, and he was the first person in my family I officially came out to, in a long long letter which he called immediatley upon receiving to tell me how everything was cool, and how happy he was that I could tell him anything. And when i thought i'd flunk out of school, he told me it was okay, it might just take an extra year, no big deal. So I didn't fail, and he and Mom came to New York for graduation, spending money they didn't have....... and yet, somehow, I never managed to feel like i had enough time to truly be a good friend to him, to tell him to stop drinking and eating so poorly and smoking, and not taking care of himself. But he lived his life the way he saw fit. He drank cheap red wine out of gallon bottles (not literally right out of the bottle!) which he often had on ice, or watered down. He always asked beggers for the "story" - often to their bewilderment ("I give you money, you give me a story, thats how it works") He traveled with Mom in a Cadillac across the South just a few years before he passed when neither of them had jobs. As a teenager, I would be horrified riding in a car with him cuz he was like Mr MaGoo never seeing the red lights, and he'd roll down the window and yell out randomly to people "Get off the street, you're ugly!" At diners, if his coffee cup wasn't full, he'd quietly sit it on top of his head, continuing his conversation non-chalantly as I sank lower and lower in my seat until the waitress would appear and laugh at how silly he was. And he had everyone in the Building Dept call him The Worlds Greatest Living Architect. And I find I still need his friendshp and reassurances. And today, pretending I could be ok and not think about him too much, the last man I fell in love with, who dumped me 103 weeks ago today, and who I havent seen or spoken to in 101 weeks, was walking along Christopher St and waved and called my name and I smiled, or waved, or nodded, or did a combination of the 3, and kept peddling, not turnng back, cuz you know how inertia is.......
    and not until hours later did I let myself fall apart, wishing that I could call 312-238-5210 and have him tell me it would all be ok, and "lets go to the Beverly Theater and sit in the balcony and see a horror movie, okay, Bri?"




    Same-Sexers Under Siege - a must read with your morning coffee.



    boy hair

    When i was 14, i had a few very long strands of hair on each nipple. The other guys in school would tease me; but somehow, it was one of the few times as an insecure teenager that it never stuck. I knew that it was cool - I was outwardly showing more "maleness", so I knew their teasing was about their own insecurities. But I never teased them back about their lack of body or facial hair, as I was secretly waiting for the day when they would sprout a few, or gosh, I would be with a "real guy" with body hair. Sure, 2 decades later, with a boyfriend who was into the trimming/shaving crotch thing, I tried it. The sensation of cutting and trimming and shaving was fantastic. Walking down the street the first time with a shaved butthole, (clothed, of course!) fuck yeah, it felt wild, my cheeks hitting each other in a way they hadn't ever before, or at least not in my conscious mind. But, the novelty wore off, and the worse part, stubble. Stubble doesn't usually feel good, and when its your balls against your thighs, its downright annoying. So, now, you wont see any of my razors or trimmers anywhere below my neck, and not too frequently above, either.

    Some people think the Chelsea-boy Ken-doll obsession with smooth/trimmed/shaved body parts is some sort of feminization of the male body - I dunno. I do think we gay men spend an inordinate amount of time guessing what we think might attract other men, obsessing about fashion, clothing, body hair, gyms, and other trends like PNP (party and play), "chem friendly", BB and the like.

    writing all this alone on a saturday night, is this just bitterness cuz i dont fit the profile or i dont get enuf? naw, i dont think so. Yup, I have a preference for hair, and more so, for "natural" looks and smells where your balls are as furry or smooth as god made them, your armpits dont have aluminum-zirconium or other nasty tasting things....

    its neither political, nor fashion to me, its simple pragmatism. I am a greedy cocksucker who loves to get my entire face - tongue, mouth, lips - all over my partner; if i get a mouthful of aluminum chlorohydrate, or my lips start to chap from going down on you, neither of us is gonna have much fun for very long.

    The smooth Banana Republic boy pictured? some might actually think he's hairy; but look closely, not a single strand is coming from that nipple or that pit. If he was born that way, cool. If he wasn't, I hope to god he doesnt lose sleep at night trying to figure out ways to paste a few strands on those nipples, or dabbling Rogaine under his pits along with his regular routine of Mennen applications.




    Saturday, June 16, 2001
    its like 150% humidity out there, 10pm, saturday night, alone. and its about 15 degrees cooler out on the fire escape. God, what I wouldnt give for some heavy making-out on the fire escape! we dont even have to "do it" - just the good old sloppy having-a-beer, talking, slurping-each-other's-faces stuff, on the fire escape; complaining about the humidity while inhaling each other's sweaty aroma.....



    Friday, June 15, 2001
    aol hell

    ok, so you cancelled dinner at the last minute. No apology, just 15 minutes after we were supposed to already be enjoying my favorite Japanese restaurant, you cancel. "Too tired." "Can I take a raincheck." Last I hear from you. Until this morning, a good 6 weeks later. You pop up on my screen "hey what's up". Not wanting to be cynical smart-ass BJ all the time, I say "not much, coffee, the usual." One or two more bland remarks like "thats cool" and "I hear ya" conversation is over.

    nope, the answer is not inside this machine.




    my stalker
    has a first name, its D-A-V-I-D, my stalker has a second name its..... naw, it IS indeed a pain in the ass, dozens of emails and phonecalls a day, but i'm not ready to publish his full name, address, and phone number here. The fellas at the 9th precinct have other ideas; AOL and Verizon have also given me some ideas, but anyone in the ATLANTA area who has any more "creative" ideas, lemme know! oh yeah, i'll send you his pics, his AOL profiles, anything else you want, just ask!



    are we there yet?
    well, picked out my outfit for Folsom Street East this Sunday

    whaddya think? I'm starved for attention, so feel free to be brutally honest





    Thursday, June 14, 2001
    So, why am i up at 5 am drinking coffee? Couldn't sleep, so updating some of the pornology stuff (adding pics) and soon enough, the fog is drawing me to the window, I smoke some, I put Bjork on the disc-player (can't fucking wait til Vespertine comes out in August!) For those of you who have been stalking me, you've probably heard a few notes from it on my answering machine. Meanwhile, just as the cd is ending, I noticed how amazing the birds sound outside, so I fill the cup again, and move back towards the window, away from the computer, and, alas, away from you.....



    Excuse me, can you move your left arm? I'm unable to see how much the poppers cost.



    Wednesday, June 13, 2001
    the distant sounds of drilling, kids in a playground screaming emphatically about how its their turn, answering machine matter-of-factly saying "No, its not the stalker, please pick-up", and what the hell was I doing with that video camera last night? and where's the goddamn coffee, anyways?



    Tuesday, June 12, 2001
    So, i've made it most of the way thru this vid, Jacked Up but I must say, the first scene got me going the most. Compact, tattooed Eddie Moreno is one hell of a fun fuck! And I didn't make it til the first cumshot before i let loose all over my Timberland Boot that was hanging from my "stuff".....

    meanwhile, last night had a guest, and I used the leather lace carefully tied first around balls, then around shaft, then around whole package trick that I saw in Jacked Up, fuck, he loved it, and more importantly, he got rock hard, BIG, and what a load he spooged all over me!

    in other news:
    sold 2 copies of BJ Does It Again this week!









    Monday, June 11, 2001

    • last time someone else woke up in my bed: 5 months ago
    • last time I woke up in someone else's bed: 13 months ago
    • last time I woke up in the same someone else's bed twice in one week: 2 years ago
    • last time I got stalked: 6 hours ago
    • last time I hung my boot off my genitals and got a huge hard-on: 2 days ago
    • last time I had steady work: 15 months ago
    • last time I was in a backroom: 10 hours ago
    • last time I "did something" in a backroom: 7 months ago
    • last time I had sex (with another human): 9 days ago
    • last time I had sex with someone who I wanted to "see where it goes": 20 weeks ago
    • last time "it" went past 3 weeks: 16 months ago
    • last time I was stood up: 3 days ago
    • last time I buzzed my head: 36 hours ago
    • last time I watched porn: 15 hours ago
    • last time I had a date where i had both dinner AND sex: I have no fucking idea it was so long ago
    • last time I wanted to slit my wrists: as I typed the above line
    • last time I said something I really didn't mean: as I typed the above line
    • last time I fondled myself in a public place: 10 hours ago
    • last time someone else fondled me in a public place: 3 months ago
    • last time I had beer, ice cream, and potato chips: 9 hours ago
    • last time I rested my head on a hairy chest and fell asleep thinking "how can it get any better": 1 year, 11 months, 3 weeks, and 1 day ago.
    • last time I felt sorry for myself: oh c'mon! what makes you think I'm that kinda guy???
    • last time the genes I am most happy about inheriting from my Dad, his sense of humor, came in handy: you do the math
    • last time I got off my ass to go to the dog run for some serious boy-watching: right after I hit "post and publish"











    Saturday, June 09, 2001
    cleavage
    looking out my window i see one of the many boys in the neighborhood who i would gladly promise my undying love and devotion to, who always looks right thru me and I figure it must be the drool that they can't bare to look directly at. but i look out the window, and there he is, smaller but tighter, firmer build than me, tanner, more hair on his head, but less on his chest than me, (but a really good mix), and he's around my age, maybe 4 or 5 years older (yum) and I see him all the time and sometimes smile at him and he never ever acknowledges my existance and why do i forgive that just because he's handsome? so, looking out my window, he's sitting there, 4 floors below, in the garden, with several women and maybe one or two other guys, and he's wearing a dago-tee, and i can see his cleavage and I figure from up here he can't purposely ignore me cuz he doesn't know i'm staring. heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.





    Friday, June 08, 2001
    all this useless beauty
    ever feel like you're in a Lifetime made-for-tv movie? and you don't notice any of the cute boys walking past you or hanging in the dog run? And women are yelling at children in strollers? And the sun is too hot, and making you sweat in a non-sexy way? And phew, who let that dog crap right there in the sun and didn't clean up after?.........and then, you finish the last 2 paragraphs of that book you've been re-reading, and you smile as you have some cantelope that you've been soaking in fresh lime juice for 2 days. And the sun shifts away from your face, along with a cool breeze. And you open that package from the post office, and its got silly German brightly colored scrubbrushes and you smile broader, and the woman with the kid sees you seeing her, and picks up the child and gives him a big hug, and you find a super-cool tshirt in the box, and then a boy on a bike grins as he slowly rides by and seems to be looking at your bare chest. and you remember that Bjork remixed song that went through your head when you were alone on a hill looking at the Arctic Ocean.

    I like this ride, Almost Blue to Get Happy!!in less than 60 seconds....




    Thursday, June 07, 2001
    .:. vespertine .:.

    .:.

    the other bj-land

    2 pre-release mixes

    .:.







    eliminate the ninnies and the twits


    going to bang some heads
    going to beat some butts
    time to show those evil spuds what's what
    if you live in a small town
    you might meet a dozen or two
    young alien types who step out
    and dare to declare

    spank the pank who tries to drive you nuts
    time to clean some house
    be a man or a mouse
    waste those who make it tuff to get around
    if you live in a big place
    many factions underground
    chase down mister hinky dink
    so no trace can be found

    put the tape on erase
    rearrange a face
    we always liked picasso anyway


    mash 'em!





    Wednesday, June 06, 2001

    more porn (again)

    OOH ooh ooh! Today I got several packages in the mail, including a copy of Steve Scott's classic film Dangerous - that's a still on the left there. Also, one mag's top 100 gay porn films, and another mag, Skinflicks with shots from Heatstroke and some shots of GAGEGEAR
    plus, this really cool chick ( I never use that word except when I'm trying to act like my older brother...) I met on the internet because of our mutual love of gay male porn, sent me a home-made CD with tons of Freddy Mercury and other queer-ish tunes!
    Meanwhile, I've been flirting with some guy on-line I really shouldn't be flirting with, someone from the old Act-Up days, but we're having "a drink" in the next day or two, so it should be fun!! Gosh, I spent so much time this past week watching Steve Scott's other classic (he has many!) Turned On which is AL PARKER, AL PARKER, AL PARKER, I dunno if i can handle Dangerous just yet (but its all for science: PORNOLOGY!)






    Tuesday, June 05, 2001

    bike

    i luv my bike. While looking thru my webpages, or my AOL profiles, you might think I mean the jockstrap sort that is pictured here. Well, I like those. But my bicycle, it is the one inanimate object that has given me more joy than any other. I could be having the worst day, and a few feet of peddling my lil hiney on that, and some chemical thing starts working, and my face gets the teensiest smile..... Today it's beautiful out, sunny, cool air, lots of boys to swerve around while riding..... and the bike shop that opened up this winter, right around the corner - FULL of people, mostly kids, and the manager, 20-something Hispanic man who was so nice to me a few months back when both my tires were slashed, and they had just opened and he had to use pieces of a soda bottle to put between the repaired innertube and the tire itself.... way too busy these days for the usual simple wave and/or smile. But, that's cool, he has one of the best jobs in the world, fixing kids' bikes



    6:30 a.m. phone call

    well, maybe i was dreaming, cuz while I don't remember the phone ringing, I was sort of aware of my answering machine playing this cool bit of music, Edony that some cute blogger had mentioned a few weeks back. So, I got up, made some coffee, listened to the birds chirping in the garden next door, felt the warm sun and cool breeze come into my apartment. Nothing amazing, just real peaceful, relaxing. Last night, learned how to do an I-frame on my web page (actually was real easy, no idea why I waited). Next up is a pop-up javascript window; some really nice guy sent me the required code, so i just need to focus for a few hours on that...... meanwhile, traded a few pics yesterday with an M4M man, and today, he finally sends a face pic, and I remember him from the old Act-Up days - gee, if only I knew his balls were so nice back then! He already figured out we'd met, but wasn't sure where (i guess I have that semi-familiar, but can't-place-the-face kinda face....) I knew right away. So, trying to preserve my dignity, I continued the flirtation a bit, but without coming out and actually saying, "yeah, I'll do ya" - chances are, if we tried, we'd only wind up giggling and/or weeping, about the "old days"



    Monday, June 04, 2001
    father's day
    not gonna get all sappy and misty-eyed here, but IF my father was still alive, I can only imagine the look on his face if I presented THIS to him!




    Sunday, June 03, 2001
    breeders
    no, not what you think; I don't use words like that! But, a good pal showed me this , and I'd love love love to have it. You see, Breeders is a sc-fi/horror movie by none other than Director Tim Kincaid, known in the porn world as Joe Gage



    If only you'd use your powers for GOOD......


    answering machine message #6: "um, I just wanted to call you and let you know that somehow or another I believe that this was just a great big game, that you knew all along that the restaurant was closed, and you sent me on a wild goose chase. You live right around the corner from that restaurant, and you could've had me meet you there. I just wanted to take you to dinner, have a nice night; meet you after having talked on the phone and on the internet. I applied for a job in Sarasota Florida, and just wanted a simple, cordial meal. But it was all a whole big game, and I WAS PLAYED - and touche' - you did a great job, the way you had it all planned out, you had me spend money, and stand out in the rain, and....."

    but alas, the machine only handles 30 or 60 seconds of rambling at a pop, so he didn't get to record his complete thought there....

    yes, aren't I ingenious? I made a grown man fly up from Hotlanta, stay in a hotel in midtown, then arranged for a cab driver to pick him up and take him to Harlem instead of the lower east side, getting him to the restaurant 45 minutes late, which i had the restaurant close down and change into an Italian Bistro, and then, the rain - that was a nice touch, Torrential rain, huge downpour, my friends, and I can do it to YOU, too, if I set my evil mind to it.

    mom used to always say" "If only you'd use your powers for good, Damien, we'd all be a lot better off"

    now now, we all know that Lee Remick didn't make it much past halfway thru the first movie, meanwhile, I went on to 2 more sequels, PLUS a made-for-TV 4th movie, and somewhere in there I almost become President, so......




    Saturday, June 02, 2001
    still hung
    over, that is, well, not really, I mean, my head doesn't ache, it just doesn't work quite yet. so, since the brain can't function yet, and there's yet another call from the date-who-wasn't-a-date on my machine this morning, and the caffeine is remarkably ineffective, let me give you a few other blogs to go look at (well, at least I'm getting over my fear that you'll discover other, better looking and more interesting web-mates).


    living proof
    - not only is he cute as heck, but he sent me some really good advise about streamlining my navigation, and when a cutie tells me to do something.....


    jocko homo
    yup, another handsome one, but who cares about that - his name alone gets him to 1st base - but more important than looks, check out his turntable/playlists - amazing, varied taste!

    tin man handsome, HAIRY , and he reads Supreme Court dissenting opinions! slurp!

    just remember to cum back to me!




    ugh
    so, my date-that-wasn't-a-date, no matter what I wanted to call it, didn't happen. His hotelmate tells me he's left before 7:00pm for our 8:30pm dinner. I got there early, to discover that the cheap, hole-in-the-wall, cute East Village Thai place is gone, only replaced by a generic euro-trash Italian bistro thing! So, standing in front of the place for the next 45-50 minutes, when I finally gave up, my pal Marc had left a message on my machine. So, Maargeritas (the extra a is for the extra saalt; the other spelling errors are from the tequila, I would imagine) but i digress.... When I did get home, a series of four new messages tell me he somehow got in a cab in midtown, on his way to the Lower East Side, and wound up in Harlem. Getting to the restaurant aroudn 9:15 (1st call)(over 2 hours?) he couldnt find me, waited another hour (2nd call), then (3rd call just before he) gets a cab in a torrential rainstorm in Manhattan on a Friday night, and makes it to his hotel in 20 minutes (4th call); Too bad he didn't have that driver on his way TO dinner. Too tired to write more, I'm gonna have this beer, read other blogs, and hope that someone who forgot my birthday (the last time I had a date was 2 days before my last birthday, which was 4 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days ago, not that anyone's counting), sees this and wants to make me a very happy fellow.....




    Friday, June 01, 2001
    MM75
    so, I know it's her 75th birthday, for those of you who weren't sure if I was gay (since I often loose gaypoints on the who's Madonna fucking/wearing tests). But, alas, it's only cuz I was watching We're Not Married on AMC this morning; and to tell the truth, I was much more interested in Zsa Zsa Gabor and Eve Arden. So, if i'm not gay, I'm at least an old queen!

    meanwhile, sortablind date tonight. Some guy I met on line is in town this weekend, and wants to take me out to dinner. Thai, here in the neighborhood. But, if I already know I don't want to "do it" already, is it still a date?




    u will gag

    nice name, eh? funny, I almost didn't open up the email, it had a pic, and I figured it was yet another HOT TEENS 4U website that I seem to get a lot of.... so, its an AOL address, I checked the profile before opening, and it was a "legit" NY queer-sex-do-me-now name, and once I saw the pic - chaps, jockstrap, thick uncut cock - i recognized the guy. His email said he'd at the Bijou that night, I should cum by and slurp on him awhile...... well, as much as I liked this topguy-formerly-known-as-MILK IT PIG, the Bijou sucks, and I wasn't about to spend 10 bucks on the off-chance that he might show up, and not hook with someone else; or worse yet, he is there, but we can't get a booth-room, and are stuck watching some lame-ass gay-themed video (NOT porn, thankyouverymuch Mr Mayor!) while the trolls hog the booths (yeah, I hate the word troll, too, but you know exactly what I mean!).

    so, I emailed him my phone number, told him wasn't going to bijou, but feel free to come over. He calls, mentions he won't be downtown for awhile, and I tell him hold onto the number, call me late, or some other time.... ( I had already made plans with Frenchy - see below - but ya never know about these sorts of "dates") so, to make a long story short, he invites himself over last night, gets lost, arrives about 50 minutes late, and i've already watched most of Al Parker's TURNED ON, and he looked really good, much better than i had remembered, and what a bulge! very, very Al Parker....
    joke was on me, he had shoved his beer bottle in his front pocket! but once I saw that his button fly was wide-open, and he put the beer on the table, my face was very busy, very fast, indeed! Very thick, just the way I like it. And he's a real tease with that thing, pulling out, slapping across the face, mumbling all that "you want it, right?" stuff, shoving his balls over my eyes --- ahhhhh, I love these warm romantic types! Needless to say, I was ROCK HARD real fast, which is real unusual for me, since I'm usually a "slow-starter". We took our time, but soon enough, my goatee just under his balls, and that familiar "ahhhh, ahhhh" eminating from above, and splats begin falling to the ground and on my forehead...... and my turn, with his hands tickling my balls, soon followed.

    and he stayed for awhile after that; we talked PORN (you surprised?) watched the rest of TURNED ON, and even Kansas City Trucking, shared another beer, and agreed to do it again as he left around 1:30 in the morning.....